A Path Through the Holidays
A Path Through the Holidays: Navigating Difficult Relationships with Love
The holidays are a time of joy and connection, but they can also be a source of stress when faced with toxic dynamics or unresolved conflicts. Whether it’s manipulative behavior, backhanded compliments, or outright hostility, it’s okay to admit that not every situation or relationship is salvageable.
Let me say this clearly: It’s okay to walk away.
If being around certain people makes you feel unsafe, unwelcome, or less than you are, you don’t have to endure that. If someone habitually crosses boundaries, refuses to respect your feelings, or brings harm to you or your family, you have every right to protect your peace.
Skipping an event doesn’t make you weak; it makes you wise. My brother once gave me this advice: “If the water in the tub gets cold, get out.” It’s simple, but profound. Relationships take effort, but when they only bring harm or toxicity, it’s time to reevaluate. This isn’t about abandoning responsibilities or turning away from love—it’s about being true to yourself and your truth.
So as you read this guide and reflect on the principles, keep this in mind: You are allowed to prioritize your well-being. If attending a gathering means sacrificing your mental health or subjecting yourself to abuse, give yourself permission to say no. You can still connect with those you care about in a different time or setting, but you don’t have to endure the presence of those who harm you.
Finding your truth begins here—with recognizing what aligns with your values and what doesn’t. It’s a courageous step toward self-respect and love.
The Seven to Heaven: Building Your Foundation for Love
The first seven principles are foundational—they help us establish love within ourselves and others:
Truth
Desire
Courageous Communication
Humility
Equality
Commitment
Intimacy
These principles are your guide to navigate any relationship—whether you decide to step away or engage thoughtfully. Let’s start with the most important step: your truth.
Truth: Grounding Yourself in Who You Are
Finding your truth is the cornerstone of this process. Before you decide how to handle a difficult relationship, take time to reflect on who you are, what you value, and what you need.
For many, the guilt of not attending an event or engaging with difficult family members can be overwhelming. Society often pressures us to maintain appearances, even at the expense of our mental and emotional well-being. But when you honor your truth, you can let go of that guilt.
Your truth might be:
“I am a parent who prioritizes my child’s safety.”
“I deserve to feel respected and valued.”
“I want to create joyful memories during the holidays, not endure unnecessary conflict.”
When you know your truth, you can make decisions that align with it, whether that means attending the event with boundaries in place or choosing to step away altogether. And remember: It’s okay to say no.
As you move through these principles, let your truth be your anchor. It will guide your decisions, shape your interactions, and remind you that your love—starting with love for yourself—has the power to transform even the most challenging relationships.
Truth and Desire
I remember a family gathering when my newborn son’s safety felt threatened by a family member’s stubborn insistence on keeping their dog nearby which knocked them down and dragged them several feet just a few weeks earlier. I made my feelings clear, but they ignored my concerns, turning the moment into a power struggle. The tension was unbearable, and I left feeling frustrated and enraged.
Looking back, I realize I hadn’t grounded myself in my truth before stepping into that situation. My truth was simple: I am a father who wants safety and love for my child. My desire was to have a harmonious gathering. If I had taken time to reflect beforehand, I might have approached that situation differently, communicating calmly yet firmly from my truth, rather than reacting out of frustration.
Before your event, ask yourself: Who are you in this moment? What do you want? Write it down. Knowing your truth and desire gives you clarity and strength to face any challenge.
Courageous Communication: Speak with Purpose
When you know your truth, you can speak with courage. I think back to my last conversation with my dear friend Jeff Gardner, who was tragically lost in 9/11. I spent our final lunch venting about that family conflict. Jeff looked at me with gentle understanding and said something that changed me: “Why let this ruin your day? You’re so far above this.”
One of my greatest regrets is spending my last conversation with him lamenting a frustrating encounter with my family member, rather than savoring our friendship or planning future adventures.
But he was right. My inability to communicate effectively had allowed someone else to control the situation which affected my emotions. That realization was painful but freeing. Now, I prepare my words before walking into emotionally charged situations.
That experience taught me an invaluable lesson: our focus should always be on love and positivity, not on the negativity that others bring into our lives.
Ask yourself: How will I respond if someone tests my boundaries or triggers my fears? What can I say to express love while staying true to myself?
Humility and Equality: See the Humanity in Others
One of the hardest principles to embrace is humility, especially when we feel wronged. But humility teaches us to consider the other person’s pain or struggles. My family member may have been difficult, but perhaps her behavior came from her own wounds.
Equality takes this further. Imagine the person you’re struggling with as a child, innocent and unburdened. Or picture them in their final years, fragile and reflective. These mental shifts help us approach others with compassion instead of judgment.
Commitment and Intimacy: Show Up Fully
Commit to showing up as your best self, no matter how others behave. Decide ahead of time what boundaries you’ll set and how you’ll honor them. For me, this often means focusing on one meaningful conversation rather than engaging in the broader chaos.
Intimacy doesn’t mean being emotionally vulnerable with someone who’s hurt you—it means being present for the purpose of the event. The holidays are about love, joy, and connection. Be intimate with that purpose and let it guide you.
The Five to Thrive: Tools for Resilience
Once you’ve built a foundation with the Seven to Heaven, the Five to Thrive principles help you nurture yourself and others during the event:
Inspiration
Patience
Kindness
Forgiveness
Celebration
Inspiration: Lead with Love
Be the person who uplifts the room. Compliment someone genuinely, even if they’ve been unkind in the past. Find common ground, whether it’s a shared hobby or a story from their life. By showing up with love, you inspire others to do the same.
Patience and Kindness: Give Yourself Grace
Family gatherings can be draining. Be patient with yourself if old anxieties arise, and be kind in how you treat yourself. Get enough sleep, stay hydrated, and remember to breathe. If the tension becomes too much, it’s okay to step away or leave early.
Forgiveness: Free Yourself
Forgiveness isn’t about excusing bad behavior; it’s about releasing yourself from the weight of resentment. Forgive not because they deserve it, but because you deserve peace.
Celebration: Honor Your Strength
After the event, celebrate your success. Treat yourself to something you love, whether it’s a favorite dessert or a quiet moment of reflection. Acknowledge how you showed up with love, and let that pride carry you forward.
Your Path Through the Holidays
These 12 principles are a map to navigate the emotional terrain of the holidays. They’ve helped me turn frustration into growth, regret into purpose, and conflict into connection.
As you prepare for your holiday gatherings, take time to reflect, write down your truth and desires, and commit to showing up with love. You are stronger than the challenges you face, and your love has the power to transform even the most difficult relationships.
I’d love to hear your thoughts or stories about how these principles have helped you. Email me at [email protected]. Wishing you love, peace, and joy this holiday season.
Warmly,
Owen
